It’s not a good idea to out your kids. Let them be the messengers. Their stories are highly personal and should be revealed in their own time when they are comfortable.
Jeff Ingold at Stonewall explains that publicly outing someone “robs that person of the chance to define who they are, in their own terms and ignores the many valid reasons someone may have for not choosing to be open about their sexuality or gender identity to everyone in their life.”
Genderqueer Star Cambell Kenneford, 23, who transitioned from male to female, explains further why it’s so damaging. “You feel like someone has taken your identity away from you. She has been asked if she were a man or a woman while standing in line to a gay club. She has been humiliated when outed to someone she was flirting with, only to find that person suddenly not interested.
(There are many reasons why an LGBT person, particularly a transsexual, doesn’t want to be open about their sexuality. Unfortunately, it can incite hate crimes. Stonewall statistics reveal that one in seven trans people aren’t open about their gender identity to anyone in their family).
Consider yourself privileged if your child has come out to you. Once your child has come out to you, you need to find out whom they’ve told (most likely, they have told someone before you) and what is their plan to tell other friends and family members, if at all. How did the receivers of the news take it? Were they supportive or did it cause a rift in the friendship?
Jonathan Tobkes, M.D.. co-author of When Your Child Is Gay (What You Need To Know: Sterling, 2016) suggests that parents may want to help their children devise a plan to tell older family members from a different era if that seems daunting for the child. You can help, for example, by saying “have you thought about telling Grandma? If you’d like me to help you figure out how to do that or to be there when you tell her, just let me know.”
You need permission to tell your friends. If you’re concerned about how your friends and colleagues will react to you having an LGBT child, practice what you are going to say. Says psychiatrist Dr. Tobkes, “ I have found that most people will react in a way that parallels the manner in which you share the news. If you seem uncomfortable and ashamed, then they will react awkwardly, but if your share the news with pride and comfort, they will genuinely feel happy for you.” If your so-called “friends” make negative remarks, tune them out, and think twice about being with those with shameful feelings.
When Your Child Is Gay: What You Need To Know
For more detailed advice, see book, co-authored with a mother of a gay son and a psychiatrist, Jonathan L. Tobkes, M.D.