I have two adopted children: a son, born in 1983, and a daughter, born in 1988. Both were closed adoptions of infants through a well-known adoption agency in Manhattan. I have little medical information about the birthparents from my son’s adoption and precious little from my daughter’s adoption. I’m not sure it would have been a deciding factor to withdraw our applications anyway.
Why? Because you never know what you’re going to inherit in the gene pool even if your children are biological. I didn’t adopt for altruistic reasons. We adopted because I was infertile and knew it before we married.
I have witnessed the joys and frustrations of parenthood over the years just as my friends with biological children have. Because my son is gay, I have interest in LGBT issues and recently read Eric Rosswood’s excellent book The Ultimate Guide for Gay Dads ( Mango, 2017).
In a chapter entitled “Questions You Might Get Asked and How to Respond to Them,” I am reminded that we were asked similar questions about our family:
· “Why Did She Give Him/Her Up? I Could Never Give Up A Child.”
· “How Did You Get Him/Her/Them?”
· “Where Did You Get Him/Her/Them?”
· “Who Are His Real Parents?”
· “How Much Did He/She Cost?”
I realize that the author and his husband Matt get more intrusive questions such as “where’s the child’s Mother?” because they are in a same-sex marriage. My children have an adoptive Mother and Father and we’re all Caucasian so we can pass as a biologically- related family.
In Rosswood’s chapter, he lists responses from gay friends that can be applied to certain questions, depending whether you want to educate the inquisitive, just tell them enough to shut them down or slay them a witty retort. All these answers have to be executed without implying to your child that adoption is shameful while protecting his privacy.
It seems that the outside world has not caught up with the phenomena of motherless or fatherless ) households as gay parents parent through adoption, foster care, and surrogacy.
However, as Eugenia Doubtfire explained to his television audience toward the end of “Mrs. Doubtfire,” families are formed in different ways and they all legitimate and reflective of modern society. Adoption is just one way of creating a loving family.
When Your Child Is Gay: What You Need To Know
For more detailed advice, see book, co-authored with a mother of a gay son and a psychiatrist, Jonathan L. Tobkes, M.D.