Pamela Evans, started a Facebook group called “Moms of Adult Addicts, Moms Thriving Together.” This group, formed in 2019, now has 11.4 K members. There is obviously a need for sharing stories, gaining insights, giving tips to members who are “new” to addiction within a family, and empathizing with those who are “wits end” trying to deal with addiction.
I interviewed Pamela on the phone and learned that she started “Moms of Adult Addicts” because she wanted to help others based on her experience. The mother of three boys, who had/have substance abuse disorders, she has plenty of first-hand experience! Her second husband, now sober twenty-five years, and she are currently raising one son’s child as a legal guardian in Nevada. Her first husband had a drinking problem.
When I asked Pamela how she’s been able to stay sober dealing with her family, she told me that sharing the news on Facebook keeps her accountable and focused on sobriety. Formerly called “The Queen of Enablers,” ( a term she resented) she has learned how to focus on herself so she can self-care, find peace and even happiness without enabling.
Here are her nuggets of wisdom:
- You can’t control your children. You are powerless against addiction. Control is an illusion.
- The addicted one has to truly want to change. Otherwise, it’s “white noise.”
- Addiction is not the result of parenting. There is no determining factor for why a child develops a substance abuse disorder.
- Most mothers become addicted to the child’s addiction. If the child is sober, then the mother is o.k. This is faulty reasoning, she thinks. “Addiction hates Mothers.”
- Recognize that your child can’t stop life. Otherwise, you will destroy yourself.
- Believe at the core in Alcohol Anonymous’s 3 C’s: You didn’t cause it, control it, and can’t cure it!”
- Pamela shares that by “detaching with love,” and not being “co-dependent,” or living in someone’s else’s addiction doesn’t take away the love for your child.
- “Only by saving ourselves and working on our recovery, can we be strong enough to help the addict we love when they are ready for recovery.”
- By strengthening herself, Pamela learned to let go of her anger, fear, and anxiety.
Wesley Cullen Davidson
Wesley Cullen Davidson is an award-winning freelance writer and journalist specializing in parenting. Currently, she is targeting her writing about recovery to parents whose children have substance abuse disorders.